Last night, I had a dream that Spam Carnival was featured in Time Out New York. It received stunning reviews, and called me things “brilliant” and “genius” and “innovative.” Then I woke up.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, kids.
only in dreams…
March 17, 2009
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BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!
March 10, 2009
ALERT! ALERT!
SUDDENLY I CAN ONLY>TYPE LIKE**THIS! COULD IT BE THE POWER OF GOD!
Did you know…
BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!
My friend Mike just passed on this fantastic book to me. It’s ONLY 648 pages long. It’s all WRITTEN IN CAPS and it’s self-published. Best of all? It reads like SPAM.
Ms. Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson was wonderful enough to write this beautiful work of art. Something tells me she is very similar to the spam scammers!
For your reading pleasure, I have typed up a couple of excerpts from my favorite chapter titles:
CHAPTER 2: *BARREN?AND DISGUSTED?? VS.BIRTH CONTROLING AND BUSTED??
MALACHI 3:8 WILL A MAN ROBB GOD!!**
THE TRUTH IS SATAN: IS ATHEIF!! **AND THE CHURCH TODAY: HAS FALLEN IN THE THEIVING WAYS OF SATANS!! **USING TELEVISION TO STEAL, KILL, AND DESTROY!!
But wait, there’s more!
CHAPTER 7: *>>MY LETTER TO THE CHURCHES: EVEN SO: GODS HOLYSPIRIT BOOK OF REPENTANCE AND REMBRANCE: EVEN REVELATIONS 2 & 3
1) REVELATIONS 2&3:>THE WHOREDOM AND SINS OF THE CHURCHES: WHOS RUNNING THE CHURCHES ANYWAY?? AND WHY??
IS THE FALSE CHRIST IN THE CHURCHES:>EVEN NOW> SINCE 1995 TO 2005: *
*THE MAIN ANSWER TO ALL THE SIN AND WHOREDOM AND FALSE CHRISTS MINISTRIES IN THE CHURCH TODAYlSINCE 1995 TO 2005:>
IS ONE THING: *BIRTH CONTROL IN OUR CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES: KILLING GODS UNBORN INCREASE OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDNRE! *IS THE SIN OF SPIRITUAL WICKEDNESS AND SPIRITUAL DARKNESS!! *SO HOW CAN SPIRITUAL WICKEDNESS AND SPIRITUAL DARKNESS BE OF THE HOLYSPIRIT ANOINTING: WHEN IT CAUSES THE MURDER OF GOD HOLY PEOPLE??
**THE TRUTH IS: EITHER THEY HAVE BECOME BACK SLIDING HEIFERS:> TEACHING MANY THE SIN OF>FORNICATION??>OR THEY ARE THE IMAGE OF LUCIFFER AND THE FALLEN ANGELS FROM THE START: DECEIVING MANY IN THE CHURCH INTENTIONALLY FOR THE WORK OF THE DEVIL!!
*AND SATAN THE DEVIL IS THE WORK OF DEATH: NOT THE WORK OF ETERNAL LIFE: FROM GOD AND JESUS CHRIST!!
I would really like to buy this book. It is available on Amazon.com for only $135! And hey, look at what else I found out:
Ooh, The Magic Fart! I bet that one’s really good. He’s a description I found:
Picking up where Pornucopia left off, our hero Prior Gross receives word that his ideal woman, whom he never knew existed, is in trouble! Off he goes to the Land of Fartingale where farts are magic!
Okay, here’s a question:
What might these two books have in common?
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The Winner Takes It All
March 5, 2009
There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I’ve been so caught up in Recession Week that I haven’t had the time!
Remember last week when I told you that I was guest blogging on 2log? Well, not only did I blog my little patootie off, but I also won their competition! I got over 38 duodecillion points (no, I really did) for making the kids laugh.
It was so great to be a part of The Audience of Two crew and I had such a blast with them. If you live in the New York area, make sure you check them out LIVE at The PIT (The People’s Improv Theatre), every Friday at 9:30pm in the very merry month of March. Click here for more information.
If you’d like to see the posts I made at 2log, you can always check them out here: http://candice.2log.biz. Topics include: Why I think dolphins are overrated, 80s choreographed gang fights, Michelle Obama’s kick ass arms personality, and downloadable desktop backgrounds.
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Don’t forget…
February 25, 2009I’m still blogging my virtual butt away over at 2log.biz!
So far, I’ve made posts about 80s choreographed gang fights, how uncool I think dolphins are, and the Obamas, and I even posted some sweet downloadable art!
Check it all out here: http://candice.2log.biz
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I’m a guest blogger!
February 23, 2009
Hey, Spam Carnies! Some exciting news here. I’ve been invited to be the guest challenger on 2log this week. Check out all the funny, and be sure to give points to the posts you like best!
My direct 2log page: http://candice.2log.biz/
Don’t worry, there will be some spam posts this week, too. There are some really great things in the works, including my very own guest bloggers! Make sure to keep checking back.
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Website of the week
February 18, 2009When your office “Green Team” has got you down because they didn’t defend you when your shitty coworker bought Brillo pads instead of Seventh Generation Biodegradable Animal Hugging Such-and-Such Detergent;
When your sweet new President has let you down because he for some reason thinks there’s such a thing as clean coal;
When you’re sick of hearing shit like “Join the Eco-lution!” and “Let’s make our wedding a GREEN wedding!;”
You go to Living the American Green. At LtAG, folks get to the real, core issues of environmentalism, all while making fun of the stupid shit Americans do to create more problems and/or carry on stupid stereotypes and live in a fad. LtAG is way beyond the fad. In fact, they’re just plain sweet.
I’ve long been a fan of LtAG, but I was not inspired to feature them on this blog until just moments ago when I discovered that they gave Spam Carnival this description: “Just like a real carnival, but with more candy and scary clowns.” Fuck yeah.
Be sure you also check out their crazy hilarious video:
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WittyProfiles.com saves the day!
February 11, 2009Spam Carnies sure do love us some typos. When our spam emails have failed us and we don’t know what to do with ourselves, we go to WittyProfiles.com. This website is chock full of misspellings, faux-inspirational quotes, and best of all is that it is updated seemingly almost every 5 seconds. It’s like spam but from the real social network profiles of 15-year-old girls.
What about this gem?
im not the type of girl that spends
forever doing her hair and make up
IM THE TYPE OF GIRL THAT PLAY PAINTBALL ON THE
WEEKENDS WITH MY FRIENDS B/C ITS WHAT I WANT TO DO
im not the type of girl that sits back and doesnt do
anything to embarss myself in front of people
IM THE TYPE OF GIRL THAT SAYS SCREW IT IM GUNNA DANCE
LIKE AN IDIOT AT A HALLOWEEN HEY RIDE WHEN PEOPLE FROM MY SCHOOL ARE THERE
^^^ HAHAHA I WAS ON OF THOSE PPL LOL KELLY LAYER WAS THERE ND SO WAS RYAN KIRK^^^^
Folks, get your booty on over to WittyProfiles.com now.
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PEMDAS
February 3, 2009Please excuse ME, dear aunt Suzy! Math makes us feel good! Here are some mathematical words of inspiration.
Feel bad? – Add!
Don’t sigh – Multiply!
Don’t hide – Divide!
Make an impact – Don’t Subtract!
Whatever you give up for lent – don’t give up that exponent!
Feelin’ like a wilted flower? – Raise that to the fifteenth power!
Add to the list!
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geocities dot com slash armpits hair
January 22, 2009Say what you will about women and armpit hair (not here, I don’t care what you think about armpit hair), but the most fantastic thing has happened. A brief google image search for Paula Cole yielded the sweetest accidental 
find of all time:
http://www.geocities.com/armpitshair
That’s right, kids. As pointed out by Mike, this is all of the awesome because this website is:
- a geocities site;
- a geocities site about armpit hair; and
- a geocities site about armpit hair that also happens to feature Paula Cole’s armpit hair.
Folks, what more do you want?
Let’s also talk about the fact that it’s not singular, but plural: ARMPITS hair. This site sort of reads like spam. Here’s an excerpt:
In the US and UK it is almost impossible to see any female with armpits hair in a public place. In dinner parties, when one is likely to wera a sleevless gown, obviously the females make sure that the armpits are clean shaven.
Young teenagers are ashamed to see and expose the armpits hair. So they promptly get hold of razors or depilatory creams.
Love it!
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Election porn
January 20, 2009Welp, it’s Inaugaration Day here in the United States, the day on which our President-elect gets to remove that inconvenient hyphen and lead us to glory. I thought this would be an appropriate time to rehash a little election humor with a list I created with my dear friend Winston at 2log, The Audience of Two blog. It may be a little outdated for all you “Best Week Ever” kindsa kids, but too bad. I still think you’ll enjoy it.:
2008 Presidential Election Porn Titles
10. The Mav-Dick
9. GOP-ing a Feel
8. Trig’s Special Needs
7. Hockey MILFs
6. ACORN: Another Cumshot On Rachel’s Nipples?
5. Lipstick on Her Pitbull
4. Straight Cock Express
3. Wet ‘n Wild ‘n Wasila
2. Putin Rears his Ugly Head
1. Drill Baby Drill!
Originally posted here.
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The walker that went 3 miles per hour.
January 8, 2009Sometimes, we cannot sleep. Sometimes, we keep our sleepless selves occupied with online games. I observed the following (unabridged) discussion in an online game chat room on one of these very nights:
lexga: do you still have the mirror on your walker
lexga: and the cute little bell
manny: yes i do
manny: have to use the mirror when i am speeding down the road
lexga: you don’t speed… a man of your age
manny: yes last week I got a speding ticket going 3 mph in a 35 zone
lexga: bad manny do you have to go to classes now
lexga: or just pay the fine
manny: yes both
manny: and i have to buy a horse too
lexga: a horse, what for
manny: i walk too slow
lexga: are you getting a carriage to go with the horse
lexga: or a ladder
manny: no going to hook up my walker
lexga: hope you intend to wear a helmet
lexga: the horse is going to go faster than 3 mph when you dig your heels in
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a brief detour from the spam carnival
December 15, 2008WARNING! WARNING! This blog about spam is currently being interrupted by real life, non-spam absurdity!
Before yesterday, I thought there was only one thing nearly as funny as oddly-worded spam emails: lame vanity plates (my original blog idea! – link is safe for clicking).
To my pleasant surprise, I found that I was indeed wrong, for something so supremely rib-tickling has occurred:
Folks, you can’t beat that.
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Mommy, Daddy — I’m Guest Blogger!
March 10, 2010
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