My darling friend Leila passed on this really awesome spam. I love the prose:
from: BRATBY Michelle to: Leila sent: Wed, January 13, 2010 12:07:03 PM subject: adult ads
women seeking sex
[link removed]
They installed themselves in the island, and constructed a smaller boat
never again see the extraordinary animal. I was mistaken.
on the face of the globe which has escaped my researches.”
Have you gotten an anonymous email from a 12 year old lately? I have.
from: Miriam Freedman to: Lulu date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 6:25 PM subject: Yo,ThIS IS MIR
IM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To do list for next summer:
Get there
Find Emma
Have Rockin Sleepover
Sing Oats Peas Beans
IMizz u so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m serios, Iv’e got so much to talk about. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Stuff NOT to say over web.
IF YOU GET THIS, WAIT AT THE PHONE IF FREE (REPLY AND TELL IF FREE) ON TUESDAY AT 7:00. ILL CALL. IF I DON’T, THEN CALL 623-1490. WILL ANSWER. IF YOU GET ANWERING MACHINE,LEAVE MESSAGE, AND I WILL CALL.
yOUR GOING CRAZY FREIND,
miriam
Dear “Mir,”
I have several items of business to address regarding your recent to-do list and letter:
When you say “get there,” what do you mean? Like, get to summer?
I’d like to find Emma, but I don’t know who she is.
I don’t feel comfortable having a sleepover with you, primarily because I have no idea who you are.
I have never heard of a song called “Oats Peas Beans,” but I suppose I could learn it.
I don’t miss you because again, I have never met you. I bet you have lots of “serios” things to tell me, but what are they? Are you going to reveal how we know each other?
I don’t really want to wait by my phone on Tuesday at 7pm. I also have no idea what your area code is.
Stop going crazy. It’s really not necessary. And you’re not my friend, dude.
yOUR CONFUSED LETTER RECIPIENT,
candice
*Thanks to Lulu for passing this on. It’s priceless!
Update—
Here is the song, Oats Peas Beans and Barley Grow
Hello, everyone! As promised, Spam Carnival is back and ready for action.
Today’s spam email excited me at first. As someone who grew up at the tail end of the grunge era, I was so happy to see the possibility that Nirvana, or what’s left of them, could possibly be reuniting.
I was wrong.
from: Shawanna Asugeg to: spamcarnival date: Mon, Sep 7, 2009 at 5:18 AM subject: Nirvana returns!
Love Experts
Your mind wants more of her. But your body says: “Hey, I’m tired!”
Bad situation anyway. To avoid it you need to strengthen your masculinity with the help of our special supplements. Best discounts and free pilules this week only!
Seriously, folks. When do you think these spammers will stop screwing with our heads? All we wanted was a Nirvana reunion. Yeah, it’s sad that Kurt Cobain is gone forever, but lots of bands have reunited without their original singers, like Van Halen, Sublime, and Journey. Maybe we could get Shawanna Asugeg to be the new singer of Nirvana! I think it’d be good. And the lyrics would be just as cryptic.
I really enjoy getting spam comments on my blog about spam. Check out this one someone left for me the other day:
HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia and being forced to post spam comments on blogs! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. They’re coming back now. Please send help!
Yeesh… kinda sucks for this dude, ’cause I totally did not approve the comment.
Spam Carnival Blogger Candice: Sometimes, your job gets super hectic, and then you start taking classes at a nearby graduate school, and then you volunteer your time 15 hours a week for free… and then, before you know it, you don’t have the time to update your blog.
But don’t worry, because I dropped out of school and stopped volunteering my time towards a good cause, so now I can dedicate my life to what really matters: spam emails. And I’m gonna do it all on my office’s dime.
Thanks for sticking around all this time. In the meanwhile, why don’t you go on ahead forward us your favorite spam emails? spamcarnival@gmail.com.
Here’s a bonus spam email to tide you over, courtesy of my girlfriend Dana:
from: Nanny Justice date: Tue, Aug 25, 2009 at 9:46 AM subject: Huge love maker has become unbelievably real! to: Dana
Madness of low prices http://iceo.suffixevery.com/
Nanny Justice! I’m so glad she finally contacted us with this fantastic deal. Nanny Injustice usually tries to make my love maker unbelievably small, so thank the heavens for Nanny Justice- my favorite nanny!
I am going to eat everything you see here times ten.
Holy shit, I’m enjoying my life away from the computer this week! Where will I be, you ask? I’ll be vacationing on the glorious shores of small-town Rhode Island, tanning, drinking too much, and eating at all of the raw bars I can find.
I probably won’t get around to updating the Spam Carnival, but I miiiiight get around to updating my other blog. Why don’t you take the time to check it out by clicking here?
Rock out, kiddies, and thanks for reading so faithfully.